As the days of this year become less and less, I would like to look back at what actually happened in 2015. What did I do? Did I succeed in something? Did I miss anything? Have I changed at all?
At the very beginning of 2015 I lived in South Korea in a tiny studio apartment, I had a terrible job (well for me at least), I drank a lot and my relationship was at the tip of destruction. None of that really mattered, since I was living my dream of travelling the world, getting as much experience as possible. At the same time, I was miserable and I had a constant mental battle in my mind.
In February I called it quits, well, my body and mind did. I was depressed and exhausted, I wanted to save my relationship and I could not keep going in that job anymore.
I moved back to Norway and spent three months doing absolutely nothing.
I ignored the fact that I was still depressed and had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. Honestly, I don’t think I had any interest in living at all. I was very nostalgic and tried to hold on and think about my past. Tried desperately to recreate the time where my life was good, living in a state of “fake-happiness”.
My mom and step-dad got married in late April, planning to move to the United States in June. My boyfriend got a job in Japan and I helped happily with the visa application process. My parents asked me if I wanted to come with them to the U.S and I said yes, since I did not really have anything to do in Norway anyway.
Life in a new place started again.
It was fun, exiting, I loved it and I hated it. Mostly I did not enjoy living with my parents again, since I really like to have my own space. I got in to college, surprised that my high school grades were good enough. I also enrolled to online classes.
…Then my ignoring and living in the state of “fake-happiness” back fired like a bitch. I was tired of everything, I had no idea what I wanted to do and I fell into depression once again. I visited my boyfriend in Japan in September and I celebrated my 21st birthday. I was miserable and I felt guilty about it. I was doing all of these amazing things some people only dream of, and still, I was just so sad all the time.
I started going to therapy, I could not keep up with my classes, my relationship was bad, and I lost all motivation in everything.
Things turned around when I got a group of friends, I started doing things I loved again, like painting, reading and exploring. I started asking myself what I wanted to do with my life, who I was and what kind of things I wanted to accomplish. I was still depressed but I had a sense of mind, a kind of passion and kindness towards myself. I didn’t judge myself as harshly and was thinking that what I was feeling was normal, I didn’t have to feel guilty about it, it was okay that I couldn’t perform at my best.
My relationship ended. I felt relived, even though I loved him. I spend my time now living day by day, asking myself; what can I do today to make myself feel better? I try thinking about all the good things in my life. I try to add more and more good things, exploring outside of my comfort zone.
2015 was the year where I was disappointed, the year I stood up for myself, the year I ignored my problems, the year I was ready for something new, the year I wanted to solve my problems, the year I wanted to be great, the year of nostalgia, the year my personality changed and got a sense of direction. Looking back, it was not one of the best years in my life so far, but some good things did happen.
Good riddance 2015, I will happily say goodbye and move on to greater days!
-Ida
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